Chapter 25

It has been a while since I blogged about my life. LOL been too busy. relatives come to Singapore and I have been spending my time with them. So, Adeline came to Singapore and stayed with me for around 3 days. Went to orchard road on the 24th to satisfy my craving of Watami. Had it till I was so full, and then satisfy my craving of sour sally. LOL I think I ate so much that day that I was so full!! Good then. went to shop and bought myself 4 shirts and 1 shoes, guilty about it but I really loved it. hehe. then at night, I went to eat fast and quick food at Cine-leisure at Shokudo. Ordered just seafood salad and a green tea with red bean dessert to share. Is so delicious!! Then wen to church quickly for the Christmas eve mass. It was so crowded and I am so lucky to be there on time where there are still seats available for me, her, mum and bro. If not, I would have been dead because I was supposed to help them book the seats. LOL. I met my Sunday School friend, Jessica, and her family there. Mum was like omg, how come she got so fat but I do not dare to comment anything though, and even approached her. So, overall, that day was so tiring and went home only at like 11.30 plus.

The next day, Christmas, I went out again first to novena at 11, then to Vivocity then to Sentosa. Yeap, another tiring day. Mom wanted to eat lunch with me but I really did not want to, not because I do not want to eat with her, it just that I planned everything and I really do not like any changes is my plans. So, I declined and went out with Adeline. Ate at white dog cafe. It was so nice, especially the blackened pan-seared dory. the potato is nice too. Love it. then went shopping again but I decided not to buy anything since I bought too much on the previous day. Adeline bought a pair of flats though:D Then, we were so tired of walking again that we went to a yogurt place and ate frozen yogurt again. haha. Ordered a green tea frozen yogurt and with toppings such as red bean (cravings for it still after eating those combination at Shokudo), cereals, mango and strawberry. It was so nice! I wanted it again now, but I need to go to vivo to have it...man:( Then after shopping for a while more, we went to Sentosa for sightseeing. Went to the merlion to take pictures and then it started to rain! OMG, we had to buy raincoat and went to some random place just to avoid the rain and eat and wait for the song of the sea to start. so we went to one restaurant that serve authentic Singapore food. Not to my liking though. the spaghetti was horrible. The noodles were too soft and short and the tomato sauce lacked the punch. However, the satay was nice, especially the chicken satay. haha. waited for a while till the rain got thinner. then went to watch song of the sea. Despite the rain, it was still beautiful! I went there 3 times to watch and yet the first 2 times failed to watch because of the rain. 3rd time a charm I guess,LOL. then my brother was kind enough to fetch me from Sentosa with his girlfriend. But because I needed to go to the toilet urgently, we stopped at the hardrock hotel just for the toilet and so, I managed to get a glimpse of the hotel and the lobby. It was so nice and grand!! in a rocking way. Took pictures of it:D:D
Went home and that is when disaster struck. Mom was very upset that I did not eat with her and went to the church with her. So, she kind of reprimanded me saying I did not care bout her and father at all (well she mentioned me not replying his blessing sms)

Okay so now, I came here to pour out everything. When she say that I do not reply father's Christmas blessing, well I did not. But that is not because I do not care bout him, is just that I do not care bout Christmas. For me, Christmas is just another day, nothing special. I do not even wish anyone Christmas specifically. I treated Christmas as any other day, and those society who treated Christmas as special, they are just trying to get money out of their potential customers. Then me not caring about mom, is so not true. I just sometimes need my own space you know. I do not like to be with people every time, I like sometime alone. I think I am kind of a loner person, so it is reasonable that I prefer to be alone than with people around. I have enough trouble of my own and friends that I do not really want any troubles from my family and so I try to avoid them. Mom kind of teared and I tried hard not to especially the part when she said she will not live long. Seriously, I really did not want to hear any more of these pessimistic talks because it just brought upon unnecessary pain to me and the family. So, I hope this will not happen again.

The next day, we went to eat lunch with cici mei mei and her family. Went to eat at raffles place Prego. IS a buffet and it is so delicious! I love the scallop mousse, the salad bar and the strawberry pastries! It was so nice! And also the salmon with Italian herb. I love it. It was so expensive but luckily she had a 50% discount, I ate so much that I did not eat dinner. I am stilt fighting against my disorder but me eating in a buffet is a big step and I actually ate 3 servings of the pastries. So is all good.

Today went to school to do the FABM integrated project. Finished till around 6 and went to great world to buy food. Today was a big step to overcome my disorder too. I actually ate breakfast, then tom yam noodle (half) in the afternoon and then veggie pattie capriciossa (sandwich) for dinner. I ate normally for the first time. Did not do weigh in and I shall see if I gain weight tomorrow. Somehow, I wanted to but I do not want to either. It is a mixed feeling you know.... I can't help it. Finished clearing and cleaning my room. Hope dad will be satisfied as I spent much time to do this and sacrifices of my belongings too and also my comfortable private space.

Dad and my childhood friends will be coming tomorrow. It will be a noisy days for the days to come. I do not know whether to look forward to it or dread it.

Chapter 24

Today was such a tiring yet a fun day. Went out with yunisa & wenny. haha we had fun. ate at watami again since I kind of like it and is kind of nice. and was full then we went to watch tron legacy. planned to watch rapunzel but the timing kind of off:( so sad. well anyway, along the way, we met my cousins. omg, I was so shocked, and kind of like do not know what to do... (I am going out with my bro so-called girlfriend here) Luckily we just introduce and then just go. and luckily, mum not there. wow.... so after watching, we went to meet my bro and his friend to go eat dinner

Since I ate sour sally (YUM!! Green tea frozen yogurt! SO NICE!) I just ate a bit, like share an appetizer platter with them. and that's all. we had a lot of fun talking and they were quite nice to me. haha. so much fun that I actually went home at 12. tired but it was an eventful day:D:D At the end, my bro got interrogated by the cousins again. haha. so funny. Had fun today and I do hope it will be like this everyday where I do not need to constantly worry about food and everything and just have fun like this. But I guess that is quite impossible huh....

Chapter 23

I felt so weak because I can't overcome this disorder. I almost fell to the prey of this monster again. Lunch, again kaya toast and I actually threw away my temaki. stupid disorder. so, evening, I decided to correct my mistake by eating lunch, fried chicken and vegetables later on... wish me luck. Mum almost blew it away when she suggested me just to eat fish and vegetables. I know if I succumbed to it, I will probably be back to my old self again so I try not to. Convinced her and all.... I really want to get well... I hope my dinner will be fine. Pray to the lord.

Anyway, just activated my sim card today and I finally can use my phone. o a relieve. I will start counting down till the day I can actually get my iphone:) can't wait.

Chapter 22

Never been blogging for a very long time. I know, too busy. Anyway, I lost my lollipop phone and now, I am like someone with no phone and I need to wait till tomorrow for my sim card to be activated. So unlucky!!I still do not know where I actually left it... starbucks, taxi, cdshop or the bus?? I have totally no idea. Tried calling it but somehow, my hp was turned off by someone. great... Well, now I planned to buy iphone4, but it is only available next week!! SO, I need to use my samsung phone for now:(

Just had my ITB test yesterday, and I still do not dare to check my answer coz I think I got some wrong and I did quite fast because, well, I just want to finish it I guess. lol. Then, went to makan place with avril, evie and leon just to accompany avril to eat her noodles.

So, I am still fighting over my disorder, and I just took a great step today, at least for me. I ate noodles during dinner, for the first time. I know I will gain weight (Which I actually want to) and I will feel the pain and guilt and trouble but I know I need to overcome this fear so that I can be normal again. Dad has been telling mum that I am too thin, my brother was shocked to see my arms were so thin and friends and people have been telling me to eat more. So, I need to try to get better, not only for them but for my own health too. I hope god will give me the strength to stay focus on the recovery step.

Chapter 21

I realized that my disorder is becoming from bad to worse instead of better. I can't stray off like that. I need to change my mindset. I want to become better. I want to and I need to. IS for myself, my friends and my family. I know that they do not know it yet, but I think they are suspecting it already though... so I know that I need to get better first. So, I decided that instead of aiming to become weighing less, I should aim of weighing more, at least until 45. I need to return to it slowly.... I know it is difficult but I know I can do it! I can't think that gaining weight is bad anymore, I need to think that it is good and is beneficial. I totally look scary now, and I am so not confident about my body and K know that I need to change it. So, starting tomorrow, I need to eat! Well, at least healthily. I need to change my mindset about food and eating.

So, this is my plan: Morning: as usual coz I think it is healthy alright: 2 piece of whole wheat bread, 2 crackers and 6 almonds. Afternoon: One dish that cam make me full and healthy (rice with lean meat or fish and vegs??) Dinner: another healthy dish like lunch.

I realize something while I was typing, I was not afraid to eat actually, but instead, I am afraid of changing. I am scared of changing my daily lifestyle, I am really scared because it has been a part of me since last time. And when I see someone eating lesser than me, I started to panic, like as if I am eating too much. Ok, I need to stop thinking like that but hey, I really can't help it you know.... that's why I need help like right now. Of course gaining weight is my most afraid thing ever but apart from that, is the reality of knowing that I need to make a change that seriously freaking me out. I really hope I can overcome this challenge and make myself healthy again. I do not want to be like this forever. I want to be healthy again.

So basically, today I skipped the first tutorial because I was too lazy and also, I knew that within me, I do not want to eat with them because they will ask me why am I not eating and I do not really know how to tell them. But, today will be my last, I hope. ITB presentation was ok except I got nervous and I started talking nonsense and I felt really sorry because I did the prime key for the database wrong. Then, I stayed back a while for FABM presentation and also for 'singing practice' with avril. scared of the audition and I regretted entering because it just gives me more trouble and stress and seriously, now is not really the right time to give me such troubles you know.... I have too much things to handle already.

Went to novena to waste time and wait till dinner time to buy my kaya toast, and this is the part where I think I am going from bad to worse. Basically I eat the same thing everyday, toast or sandwich for lunch or dinner. And it is not nutritious! it is bad for health. I need to gain myself back now man. I need to try and I need to. So what uf I gain weight again, I can lose it again when I think I gain too much. It is simple as that. Why can't I take action as simply as what I think it is.

I remembered when I was young, reading about people getting anorexia and felt how stupid can they get. I was hoping that I could get anorexia first (I was fat then) so that I will be able to control my food intake easily, and wait till I get super duper thin will then continue to eat a lot, Like that, I will be able to gain weight without becoming fat. Such an innocent thinking. but now, I realize that it is not simple for people with such disorder. They know that they need to eat and that are thin, is just that they do not feel thin themselves and they just can't afford to eat. They just can't because of the guilt, they felt such a strong guilt that it become a chore for them to eat more than what they limit themselves to. I know it because I can understand their feelings now. It is really hard.People said that these disorders will stay with you for your whole lifetime and the only way to live is to accept it and live with it, to not bother about it and just continue on. And right now, I am trying my best not to bother about it, even though I knew that this guilt will stay with me forever. The only way I can erase it....maybe through praying and it may be my call to the church right now after mom's..... Please help your child, lord jesus christ

Twentieth Chapter

Did not blog for few days... I was too busy. haha. from the food donation to school work to going out. So, basically today, I went out with my bro and his girlfriend. It was fun and enjoyable. She was nice and funny. I got so tired from laughing that my muscle is in a sore right now.... man, it was so tired. haha But i enjoyed it overall though. She is really nice. Ate at Watami. we ordered food set for 2 but ended up having so much!! Salmon stone pot rice, beef sukiyaki with udon, tompeyaki, wagyu beef, sashimi, watami salad, soft shell crab, hire katsu. SO many!! haha but mostly bro ate it all since me and her are on diet. Well I am not really, just don't dare to eat much. BUT, I ate a lot today! well at least the most out of all days. Had fun, so I try not to think of my disorder.

So went to talk a lot of stuffs from girls' stuff to my bro stuff to my stuff and hers too. Had fun even though I don't know if she had fun too or not though. Hope she had it too, and don't feel uncomfortable around me. Then went to her dorm (planned by bro coz he want to bring her home, but I really do want to see her dorm too though) and it was nice. Simple yet clean. NICE:) and met one of my bro fren, he was a funny guy. haha told his dota fren I was here w/o caring if they know me or not. Comical.

Went home being questioned so many things by my mum. OMG, from bro girlfren to my future boyfren. So tired! But today was memorable and enjoyable day. hope to have these kind of day again soo.

Tomorrow, I need to go IMM with evie and avril for 2am.... omg busy busy busy!!!