Chapter 25

It has been a while since I blogged about my life. LOL been too busy. relatives come to Singapore and I have been spending my time with them. So, Adeline came to Singapore and stayed with me for around 3 days. Went to orchard road on the 24th to satisfy my craving of Watami. Had it till I was so full, and then satisfy my craving of sour sally. LOL I think I ate so much that day that I was so full!! Good then. went to shop and bought myself 4 shirts and 1 shoes, guilty about it but I really loved it. hehe. then at night, I went to eat fast and quick food at Cine-leisure at Shokudo. Ordered just seafood salad and a green tea with red bean dessert to share. Is so delicious!! Then wen to church quickly for the Christmas eve mass. It was so crowded and I am so lucky to be there on time where there are still seats available for me, her, mum and bro. If not, I would have been dead because I was supposed to help them book the seats. LOL. I met my Sunday School friend, Jessica, and her family there. Mum was like omg, how come she got so fat but I do not dare to comment anything though, and even approached her. So, overall, that day was so tiring and went home only at like 11.30 plus.

The next day, Christmas, I went out again first to novena at 11, then to Vivocity then to Sentosa. Yeap, another tiring day. Mom wanted to eat lunch with me but I really did not want to, not because I do not want to eat with her, it just that I planned everything and I really do not like any changes is my plans. So, I declined and went out with Adeline. Ate at white dog cafe. It was so nice, especially the blackened pan-seared dory. the potato is nice too. Love it. then went shopping again but I decided not to buy anything since I bought too much on the previous day. Adeline bought a pair of flats though:D Then, we were so tired of walking again that we went to a yogurt place and ate frozen yogurt again. haha. Ordered a green tea frozen yogurt and with toppings such as red bean (cravings for it still after eating those combination at Shokudo), cereals, mango and strawberry. It was so nice! I wanted it again now, but I need to go to vivo to have it...man:( Then after shopping for a while more, we went to Sentosa for sightseeing. Went to the merlion to take pictures and then it started to rain! OMG, we had to buy raincoat and went to some random place just to avoid the rain and eat and wait for the song of the sea to start. so we went to one restaurant that serve authentic Singapore food. Not to my liking though. the spaghetti was horrible. The noodles were too soft and short and the tomato sauce lacked the punch. However, the satay was nice, especially the chicken satay. haha. waited for a while till the rain got thinner. then went to watch song of the sea. Despite the rain, it was still beautiful! I went there 3 times to watch and yet the first 2 times failed to watch because of the rain. 3rd time a charm I guess,LOL. then my brother was kind enough to fetch me from Sentosa with his girlfriend. But because I needed to go to the toilet urgently, we stopped at the hardrock hotel just for the toilet and so, I managed to get a glimpse of the hotel and the lobby. It was so nice and grand!! in a rocking way. Took pictures of it:D:D
Went home and that is when disaster struck. Mom was very upset that I did not eat with her and went to the church with her. So, she kind of reprimanded me saying I did not care bout her and father at all (well she mentioned me not replying his blessing sms)

Okay so now, I came here to pour out everything. When she say that I do not reply father's Christmas blessing, well I did not. But that is not because I do not care bout him, is just that I do not care bout Christmas. For me, Christmas is just another day, nothing special. I do not even wish anyone Christmas specifically. I treated Christmas as any other day, and those society who treated Christmas as special, they are just trying to get money out of their potential customers. Then me not caring about mom, is so not true. I just sometimes need my own space you know. I do not like to be with people every time, I like sometime alone. I think I am kind of a loner person, so it is reasonable that I prefer to be alone than with people around. I have enough trouble of my own and friends that I do not really want any troubles from my family and so I try to avoid them. Mom kind of teared and I tried hard not to especially the part when she said she will not live long. Seriously, I really did not want to hear any more of these pessimistic talks because it just brought upon unnecessary pain to me and the family. So, I hope this will not happen again.

The next day, we went to eat lunch with cici mei mei and her family. Went to eat at raffles place Prego. IS a buffet and it is so delicious! I love the scallop mousse, the salad bar and the strawberry pastries! It was so nice! And also the salmon with Italian herb. I love it. It was so expensive but luckily she had a 50% discount, I ate so much that I did not eat dinner. I am stilt fighting against my disorder but me eating in a buffet is a big step and I actually ate 3 servings of the pastries. So is all good.

Today went to school to do the FABM integrated project. Finished till around 6 and went to great world to buy food. Today was a big step to overcome my disorder too. I actually ate breakfast, then tom yam noodle (half) in the afternoon and then veggie pattie capriciossa (sandwich) for dinner. I ate normally for the first time. Did not do weigh in and I shall see if I gain weight tomorrow. Somehow, I wanted to but I do not want to either. It is a mixed feeling you know.... I can't help it. Finished clearing and cleaning my room. Hope dad will be satisfied as I spent much time to do this and sacrifices of my belongings too and also my comfortable private space.

Dad and my childhood friends will be coming tomorrow. It will be a noisy days for the days to come. I do not know whether to look forward to it or dread it.

Chapter 24

Today was such a tiring yet a fun day. Went out with yunisa & wenny. haha we had fun. ate at watami again since I kind of like it and is kind of nice. and was full then we went to watch tron legacy. planned to watch rapunzel but the timing kind of off:( so sad. well anyway, along the way, we met my cousins. omg, I was so shocked, and kind of like do not know what to do... (I am going out with my bro so-called girlfriend here) Luckily we just introduce and then just go. and luckily, mum not there. wow.... so after watching, we went to meet my bro and his friend to go eat dinner

Since I ate sour sally (YUM!! Green tea frozen yogurt! SO NICE!) I just ate a bit, like share an appetizer platter with them. and that's all. we had a lot of fun talking and they were quite nice to me. haha. so much fun that I actually went home at 12. tired but it was an eventful day:D:D At the end, my bro got interrogated by the cousins again. haha. so funny. Had fun today and I do hope it will be like this everyday where I do not need to constantly worry about food and everything and just have fun like this. But I guess that is quite impossible huh....

Chapter 23

I felt so weak because I can't overcome this disorder. I almost fell to the prey of this monster again. Lunch, again kaya toast and I actually threw away my temaki. stupid disorder. so, evening, I decided to correct my mistake by eating lunch, fried chicken and vegetables later on... wish me luck. Mum almost blew it away when she suggested me just to eat fish and vegetables. I know if I succumbed to it, I will probably be back to my old self again so I try not to. Convinced her and all.... I really want to get well... I hope my dinner will be fine. Pray to the lord.

Anyway, just activated my sim card today and I finally can use my phone. o a relieve. I will start counting down till the day I can actually get my iphone:) can't wait.

Chapter 22

Never been blogging for a very long time. I know, too busy. Anyway, I lost my lollipop phone and now, I am like someone with no phone and I need to wait till tomorrow for my sim card to be activated. So unlucky!!I still do not know where I actually left it... starbucks, taxi, cdshop or the bus?? I have totally no idea. Tried calling it but somehow, my hp was turned off by someone. great... Well, now I planned to buy iphone4, but it is only available next week!! SO, I need to use my samsung phone for now:(

Just had my ITB test yesterday, and I still do not dare to check my answer coz I think I got some wrong and I did quite fast because, well, I just want to finish it I guess. lol. Then, went to makan place with avril, evie and leon just to accompany avril to eat her noodles.

So, I am still fighting over my disorder, and I just took a great step today, at least for me. I ate noodles during dinner, for the first time. I know I will gain weight (Which I actually want to) and I will feel the pain and guilt and trouble but I know I need to overcome this fear so that I can be normal again. Dad has been telling mum that I am too thin, my brother was shocked to see my arms were so thin and friends and people have been telling me to eat more. So, I need to try to get better, not only for them but for my own health too. I hope god will give me the strength to stay focus on the recovery step.

Chapter 21

I realized that my disorder is becoming from bad to worse instead of better. I can't stray off like that. I need to change my mindset. I want to become better. I want to and I need to. IS for myself, my friends and my family. I know that they do not know it yet, but I think they are suspecting it already though... so I know that I need to get better first. So, I decided that instead of aiming to become weighing less, I should aim of weighing more, at least until 45. I need to return to it slowly.... I know it is difficult but I know I can do it! I can't think that gaining weight is bad anymore, I need to think that it is good and is beneficial. I totally look scary now, and I am so not confident about my body and K know that I need to change it. So, starting tomorrow, I need to eat! Well, at least healthily. I need to change my mindset about food and eating.

So, this is my plan: Morning: as usual coz I think it is healthy alright: 2 piece of whole wheat bread, 2 crackers and 6 almonds. Afternoon: One dish that cam make me full and healthy (rice with lean meat or fish and vegs??) Dinner: another healthy dish like lunch.

I realize something while I was typing, I was not afraid to eat actually, but instead, I am afraid of changing. I am scared of changing my daily lifestyle, I am really scared because it has been a part of me since last time. And when I see someone eating lesser than me, I started to panic, like as if I am eating too much. Ok, I need to stop thinking like that but hey, I really can't help it you know.... that's why I need help like right now. Of course gaining weight is my most afraid thing ever but apart from that, is the reality of knowing that I need to make a change that seriously freaking me out. I really hope I can overcome this challenge and make myself healthy again. I do not want to be like this forever. I want to be healthy again.

So basically, today I skipped the first tutorial because I was too lazy and also, I knew that within me, I do not want to eat with them because they will ask me why am I not eating and I do not really know how to tell them. But, today will be my last, I hope. ITB presentation was ok except I got nervous and I started talking nonsense and I felt really sorry because I did the prime key for the database wrong. Then, I stayed back a while for FABM presentation and also for 'singing practice' with avril. scared of the audition and I regretted entering because it just gives me more trouble and stress and seriously, now is not really the right time to give me such troubles you know.... I have too much things to handle already.

Went to novena to waste time and wait till dinner time to buy my kaya toast, and this is the part where I think I am going from bad to worse. Basically I eat the same thing everyday, toast or sandwich for lunch or dinner. And it is not nutritious! it is bad for health. I need to gain myself back now man. I need to try and I need to. So what uf I gain weight again, I can lose it again when I think I gain too much. It is simple as that. Why can't I take action as simply as what I think it is.

I remembered when I was young, reading about people getting anorexia and felt how stupid can they get. I was hoping that I could get anorexia first (I was fat then) so that I will be able to control my food intake easily, and wait till I get super duper thin will then continue to eat a lot, Like that, I will be able to gain weight without becoming fat. Such an innocent thinking. but now, I realize that it is not simple for people with such disorder. They know that they need to eat and that are thin, is just that they do not feel thin themselves and they just can't afford to eat. They just can't because of the guilt, they felt such a strong guilt that it become a chore for them to eat more than what they limit themselves to. I know it because I can understand their feelings now. It is really hard.People said that these disorders will stay with you for your whole lifetime and the only way to live is to accept it and live with it, to not bother about it and just continue on. And right now, I am trying my best not to bother about it, even though I knew that this guilt will stay with me forever. The only way I can erase it....maybe through praying and it may be my call to the church right now after mom's..... Please help your child, lord jesus christ

Twentieth Chapter

Did not blog for few days... I was too busy. haha. from the food donation to school work to going out. So, basically today, I went out with my bro and his girlfriend. It was fun and enjoyable. She was nice and funny. I got so tired from laughing that my muscle is in a sore right now.... man, it was so tired. haha But i enjoyed it overall though. She is really nice. Ate at Watami. we ordered food set for 2 but ended up having so much!! Salmon stone pot rice, beef sukiyaki with udon, tompeyaki, wagyu beef, sashimi, watami salad, soft shell crab, hire katsu. SO many!! haha but mostly bro ate it all since me and her are on diet. Well I am not really, just don't dare to eat much. BUT, I ate a lot today! well at least the most out of all days. Had fun, so I try not to think of my disorder.

So went to talk a lot of stuffs from girls' stuff to my bro stuff to my stuff and hers too. Had fun even though I don't know if she had fun too or not though. Hope she had it too, and don't feel uncomfortable around me. Then went to her dorm (planned by bro coz he want to bring her home, but I really do want to see her dorm too though) and it was nice. Simple yet clean. NICE:) and met one of my bro fren, he was a funny guy. haha told his dota fren I was here w/o caring if they know me or not. Comical.

Went home being questioned so many things by my mum. OMG, from bro girlfren to my future boyfren. So tired! But today was memorable and enjoyable day. hope to have these kind of day again soo.

Tomorrow, I need to go IMM with evie and avril for 2am.... omg busy busy busy!!!

Nineteenth Chapter

Today has got to be my busiest day ever, for projects. Went to school in the afternoon at 12 to do FABM project. At first, we were not doing anything since we do not know how to start, but after lunch, (ate chicken teriyaki sandwich w/o mayo) I suddenly had the motivation to do. haha since evie has wasted so much time (2h) to do the photoshop of the logo. At first, I was the only one doing the presentation since the others (evie, avril, leon and marcus) are doing their ITB (not in the same group as them) But, after a while Leon came and helped me do too, nice. Then Avril also, she did the floor plan and also the process part. We managed to finish it by 6+ and only left putting in pictures and animation. Not my part already, yei! Then accompany evie to eat dinner at makan place with leon. Did my LMS notes halfway during that time, so as not to waste time at home

Reached home at bout 8.30 and eat my japanese dinner (sashimi and hotate). Then, I continued doing my ITB....god... is killing me. It looks simple but there is so many technical problems! But I managed to finish it by 12. happy me. now I am going to sleep and prepare for my LMS tests tomorrow. omg... busy busy busy....

Eighteenth Chapter

Today was a busy day!! Again!! Went to SP to do E-learning. On the way, I realized my concession expired today so I went TPY interchange to renew it, and hence I was late. Supposed to meet at 1 but came like at 1.40?? LOL but Avril came later, she was late because her laptop was infected by ants! OMG, result of eating in front of the laptop?? I also eat in front of the laptop, so I also must be careful then. LOL. So we went SP and at last eat their food court 3, which is a typical food court. Ate Tom Yam Noodle, Taste like Cup noodle, especially the soup. Did not finish it coz I scared I feel guilty finishing it. hehe. Then we had a hard time (me, evie and leon) finding the library and after much contemplating on whether to stay at SP or go other place to do, we decided to go food court 4 to do (Called Avril and she suggested it since she is on the way to SP le) SP have starbucks! OMG! I will so totally go there everyday if I study in SP....

SO we do e-learning until 6+ then I went to Orchard Somerset to have dinner with my sec school cliques:) (lei, ali, min, may, bei and nic) Managed to finish MAEC, FABM, HOM and BMGT tutorial. SO happy!! Left my ITB. haihx. I can do it! haha. So went to eat food republic to eat yong tau fu, healthy choice. haha. Had a great time, especially th Iphone game (tissue rolling) OMG I suck at it. I was the slowest one out of everyone. 16seconds! Man, and they laughed at me, some friends are they. humph! LOL but overall, it was fun. Then bei and ali keep on saying I grew so thin, and ask me what I do. Well I told them my weight decreased 7kg bu actually is more than 15? Can't say that coz I bet they will be shocked since they are already shocked when I said 7. Went home early coz I was too tired and I need to go out to NP at 12 for project again tomorrow. Bro fetched me, haha so nice!

Well, I am not really resting coz I managed to do part of my ITB e-learning assignment and thanks to leon, I had an easy time doing it. HE told me about the video instruction which is quite clear I might say. thanks man. I shall continue it tomorrow coz I am already tired now...LOL

Seventeenth Chapter

Went to dining workshop today....had a hard time looking for the perfect dress so that I wont look too thin or weird and at last wore my mom's dress since she has the one that there is a sleeve which I prefer. At first, I found it weird wearing since I dont really wear a dress but when I got there, I felt OK... coz everyone (almost) wore the same kind like me. hehe. Mum brought me to school even though she just had her operation (thank you so much) but, I do not want to be the main light of the group like I mean attention, so I told mum to drop me off opposite np bus stop there and I cross over the overhead bridge. A bit embarrassing since I am the only one who wore so formal there.

Went to the dining workshop. First, they taught us about the dining etiquette of the Chinese, Japanese, then the glasses of wine, the western dining etiquette. I was chosen to demonstrate on how to de-shell the prawn.... luckily I managed to, with the person's help:D Do not embarrassed myself. lol. After that, we went to eat!! YEI!! I was famished! Sat with evie, avril and germ:D had fun eating and taking lots of pics:D haha, I had flat-bread as appetizer (ate half of it and then gave another half to germ and avril), tomato soup, gnocchi (this is super duper nice, do not know what is that till I reached home and search, some kind of dumpling). tuna steak (had a choice between tuna steak and beef but I choose tuna, healthy choice) and creme brulee. I was full then, and decided not to eat anymore dinner. Since I ate at like 5.... went to continue and take picture until the person 'chase' us out saying they are opening for dinner. went outside and continue taking. haha.

then went to 313 and did our project...supposedly but went to raindrops instead with jacq, steph, rachel, yy and claire to do BMGT there. They ordered drinks and we had free food from the shop!! chicken pizza, chocolate marshmallow and steph ordered fried calamari. Did not eat them though, although we played game to see who eat them, did not lose but I left halfway coz I really did not want to eat the pizza (high-calorie). But, they asked me to take a piece before I left, I did take, but while putting pepper on it, I accidentally open the whole bottle and pour the whole bottle of pepper onto the piece!! OMG!! I felt so bad but seriously, I did not do it on purpose. LOL. ended up taking another piece and walked to taka to buy macadamia for my mum. however, I did not eat the pizza though, instead, I threw it away along the way. Felt bad but yeah... I still can't eat it....

then I saw my whole wheat bread!! I think is the same one as the one in great world.. look the same, same price but just different brand and place. Since I left a day worth of bread and tomorrow I don't think I have the time to go great world and buy, I decided to take the risk and try it out and buy. LOL. I hope I am right. then went to kino to buy reader's digest while waiting for my mum. She is going to pick me up and bring me home too...really really thanks....

I totally forgotten or you might say did not expect that evie will be really waiting for me. I thought they have left! Till she called me, but I am on my way home already so no choice... LUukily, she ain't angry. lol. tomorrow gonna be a busy day again. Tons of things to do. BMGT reports, E-learning (meeting evie, avril, leon at sp at 1), might have dinner with secondary school peers and do ITB! OMG, busy day!!

Sixteenth Chapter

OK, I was supposed to write this yesterday, but along the way, I was writing halfway, wait, going to finish my post, then I accidentally unplug my laptop cable when I was trying to sort out my camera cable. Turn out is not my camera cable, damn... so, I decide to rewrite it again

Anyway, I decided to join the JYPE audition, yeah.... I do not know what was I thinking and hoping...maybe I am just crazy or maybe I just want to achieve something in my life. Gotta tell Avril to prevent her from getting a shock later on when she sees me in the audition as well, since she too will be going. But, how to tell her man....

So, Monday really became my alone day. Went to the library at 11 and studied there till 3. Steph called to ask about ITB once and that's it. Bet they won't be needing me anymore huh.... whatever, I do not really want to think about this.... Then went to board the bus to novena. Father called in the bus asking me where am I<>

Reached novena feeling so damn hungry. I went to buy a bag of almond, a box of cracker and one California temaki. Then went to buy curry puff for dinner, I give in to my craving and yup, it is delicious but it made me guilty as hell since is not exactly a healthy meal and is high in calories and I lied to my family saying I had a heavy and late lunch and so, I would not eat dinner. Then, I went to buy kaya toast for my lunch. went home carrying all these in a taxi

At home, all of a sudden, mum suddenly asked me to show her what I bought. I was surprised, so I pretended that I was carrying so many heavy things that I went to the room first and then took out my almond and crackers to show her. I was lucky that I bought those, if not, I would be scolded by my mum.....But it is weird for her to ask me this. 2 reasons. 1. she is just curious and 2, she found out about me lying (SS3) and so, to make sure I am not lying anymore, she was just checking it out.... hmmmm....

Jacq asked me do the 2nd assignment for ITB but I still have not touched it yet, going to today....

Dining workshop later on.... god... please make it be fun....

Fifteenth Chapter

URGH!!! I am so frustrated right now! OK, dad, I admire you and all, but seriously, do you have to be that mad just because I can't lend you my laptop?? I mean seriously, I want to charge my laptop (school) and I hate people borrowing my laptop coz, seriously, this poses a very strong risk of my laptop getting spoiled or having virus. No one would like to lend or borrowed their laptop without their supervision and guidance, seriously. ARGH!! I am so mad right now.

I guess today I ate a whole lot of things, which I seriously do not know if it is a good thing or not coz on one hand, I want to overcome my disorder but on the other hand, I want to be thin. I am so confused right now

Jacq asked me whether I am free tomorrow and I lied to her say nope, coz I need to accompany my mother to the hospital. I am sorry but tomorrow, I really want to be alone, coz I dont feel like socializing or anything. IS my problem I know. I even lie to my family saying I got school tomorrow when I do not have, I will be going to the library and hang out there I guess. Is not that I hate them or what, I just do not want to do anything tomorrow. Just tomorrow. I want to rest.

I felt so left out by my poly frens (particularly jacq, rachel, steph and yuen yee group) Firstly, they do not even know I am in their BMGT group, confronted jacq and she told me she really did not know, how great is that..... Then secondly, steph invited all the girls in our clique, well.... except me and claire.... do not know why she did not invite claire though... but the feeling of finding it out totally sucks and I can't even tell or say this to anyone.....

Mom and Dad sure love to reprimand and nag about me, being a liar just because I lied to them about the ticket price for suju concert. I did not even know why I lied for god's sake! It just slipped my mouth. And about my room, seriously, my room is already beyond cure and so, I am just waiting for the day I moved house so I can throw away all the things ok..... my room is too small to be cleaned thoroughly and to be able to put all my things neatly and spaciously.... they have got to realize that man....

As of now, I guess my day today is totally disastrous huh..... I totally hated it, I just hope all the dramas will be gone, and my poly friends.... should really start to treat everyone equally and make bonds with all of them, don't stuck in your own clique man!!! I will try my best to bond with you guys too, but if you guys do not give me a chance or whatever, I find it difficult to have the motivation to try my hardest too you know.....

Fourteenth Chapter

At last!! I am so glad that today has ended! It was a damn hectic day. Early morning, I had to go to school without breakfast since is IS (8am). then after that, I need to go novena to speak to the LONDON thingy, and buy my lunch. after eating at home (kaya toast and temaki ehem), I wait for bro (he came late and I won the bet, hehe) to bring me to the hospital, then I went to meet evie for a while (felt bad for making her queue up alone, but at least she made some friends there) then back to hospital then back home. Tired and exhausted

So in IS, Fariha did not come since she got ear infection (ouch). And I met some new people, like matthew (exchange phone number with him, seems like a nice guy to talk to) and Wee Kiat(?) (joker). And I felt bad not going for the BMGT project, but can't and truthfully, I do not want to, I felt out of place and they did not even tell me about it, like their plans and all, I felt so left out. I don't like my BMGT group:( They are a group themselves and I am not in one of them, and that sucks, I hate the feelings.

Went to hospital and saw mom is in pain, my heart pained when I see her suffer, seriously. I felt like tearing, but I held it in. Stay there for a while and decided not to queue up for SS3. Felt really bad for evie so I kept apologizing but she understood and said never mind. She is really nice:D

Ok, so today I ate 1 biscuit, 15 almonds, 1 spicy chips, 2 slices of kaya toast, 1 california temaki, fish & co( grilled red fish with peri peri sauce, so-called a healthier option, 3 buttery calamari rings, grilled) Is that a lot?? OMG!!I am like so going back to my obsession again! I can't! Help me!!

Thirteenth Chapter

Ok... I konw I have not been blogging, hehe I was too busy and lazy to blog, but I was inspired by my frenz so I started it again. surprise. haha. I am still learning on how to blog though... I feel like putting in pics and all, but I will soon when I learn about it.

So, I have been trying to fight off my disorder right now. SInce I have been dietting, I suddenly realize that right now I am too obsessed with it and weirdly I am enjoying it. For a girl whose height is 160cm, is 44kg too thin?? I guess so. It is going to be 43kg soon too... and I am scared that it is too thin, but I can't stop so... right now I am trying to. Without telling my mum and dad and anyone, since I am scared.

Skipped BMGT and FABM lecture today coz I was too lazy and I want to go Great World to eat my sandwich. LOL. Nothing new today except, I am going to join iDare!! omg, I want to join but I am scared though, seriously, it is quite scary right.... and is a camp. and I am going to join BP for the fund-raising on saturday too, busy busy busy

Tomorrow schedule is so busy too!! After IS, I need to go hospital to visit my mum (she going to have a breast surgery) then go heeren to queue with evie for SS3 tickets then go back hospital again. Oh and I just recently got a new task, go novena and get that card from LONDON.... great... but never mind, since I want to go novena to buy my kaya toast... kekeke:P Busy busy tomorrow, hope the project discussion will be postpone if not I dont think I got the time anymore....

Twelth Chapter

hehe I am back from indonesia!! Well since I have decided that going back to indo means it's a holiday for me, I decided to take a break from all the posting. Well since I am back again now, I will continue. So, I watched valentine's day in indonesia. And is nice!! haha I dont know why many din like it. but I love it. One thing unexpected is the end where bradley cooper is actually a gay to that sean guy. Well, I was shocked coz I believed that he will actually end up with julia roberts....but then I was totally wrong. So in Indonesia, I practically eat yogurt everyday. haha well no choice....i am on diet... and I started to have a running exercise time. Good habit but too much effort. Haihx... and I bought many things in indo till my dad ask me to stop buying. haha. Well I experienced the first time where how our cars stop working and ended up us taking a taxi home and left my uncle to do something to his car. I got really sick after cny and when I was riding the plane back to singapore, my head feels like it is going to burst, espescially my forehead. Guess I was too sick huh.... and that explains why I cant write yesterday. kekeke...

So basically, today, my dad arrived to singapore and gave me weird things such as divine water and charmed bracelet...weird but I think I know why...maybe coz this year is my bad luck year??( touch wood) I still have flu and cough and my voice sounds weird!! O god... and I cant go to Nat's party tomorrow. feels bad but I cant go.... tomorrow, i need to accompany my mum to the hospital and then in the evening there will be an important guest from hong kong...so yeah....
but I do wish her a very happy birthday though...hihihi

Eleventh Chapter

Today was shinee fansigning event. lei and bei went to my house yesterday to sleepover so we can reach the location early. hehe actually i did not tell my mum about this. only tell her we are going in the morning for some event. Long story and I still cant believe we manage to get in!! AAH!! haha.

So, we woke up at 4, bathe and left the house at 4.40. We board the taxi and reached around 5.30. so we are supposed to meet char, shiting and pisang at cheers. but goddamnit, there is 2 cheers and we go to the wrong one. so we went back and met them at last. by then, there were like more than 1000 people already and we were so sure that we cant get in but we just queue anyway. BUT, suddenly this one woman and a guy(wearing snsd beyond 9 shirt) told us that this is not the queue. we are supposed to queue at the other side and take our no.
Well, so they actually had numbers allocated to them already and somehow they managed to stay overnignt when the management say cant. but somehow, the queue officially started at 10pm on saturday??? so yeah, basically is chaotic.

So we argue to the person saying that there is 2 chinese ladies telling us the queue is here and not there( not me, but char,shiting and pisang since its them who experience it while i am finding my way here). So now, they got confused. But luckily the person gives us a very good advice. Just queue up behind the person with numbers already and we did. But, we somehow got skipped so we did not have no while people that arrive later than us got it(vivian) So, we think of an idea. We still did not believe this no thing is official, but for safety measures, we use our OWN BLACK MARKER AND WRITE THE NO OURSELVES. we keep on changing the no coz it kept on clashing with the person in front or behind us. So after writing, we just hide our hands away from people's eye but I think some of them knew it already( infront of us and behind us). And somehow, this thing become somewhat official. haha. BUT, the problem is, the person came to check the name and no. so we must think of a way to cheat them. When they came, they first say the name 'yi wei'. we told them there is no yi wei but there is yilei. so they believed us. haha and the no happenend to be the same!! 733!! haha. and we told them that the rest of the names are not there coz there is really a person name yi wei there(which happenend to be lei neighbor) but they mistook lei and wei as the same person so they did not record our name but wrote the no, assuming that they have written our names. And they believed!! haha and thats how we managed to get into the queue.

So thanks to the rioting people in front of the mall and on top, we got delayed and only allow to go in at 10. it was damn hot while waiting to get the tag and buying the album. And I foolishly wear a sweater so you can guess how hot am in. the album was like 60 dollars!!! omg!! is so ex but need to buy if not we queue up for nothing!

So at last we bought i got onew so iexchange with shi ting who got key. Then I exchange with bei who got jong hyun. Then I exchange with lei who got taemin. So at last I got a signature of taemin. but too bad i cant take picture of them coz my hp battery flat( pisang keeps on playing with it) and I cant see them coz we were at the back and the people at the front were like tip-toeing and shoving their cameras too. so no use. but char got take a clear pic of it so she can just send me. haha so i got taemin's signature and gave him the gifts but cant shake hands!! so sad. But taemin is so cute and pretty!! he keeps on smiling and nodding his head. he mouthed some words but i cant get what he said. hehe. minho and me were staring at each other for e few seconds before that buy I got too shy so I look around and start to sing some songs. haha.

I was too tired to actually eat. haha I just want to go home, bathe and rest. so here i am now done. haha waiting for tomorow to go back to indo. hehe

Tenth Chapter

Omg!! I finally got my lollipop hp today with the cost of only 68 dollars. Stupid Jason guy. It's good that I did not wait for you or else i would not get the phone at a cheap price. I am so happy. And I have just finished installing and downloading everything. yei! haha now i can play with it. mom's chemo was today and it doesnt seem as hard as last time. She did not really go to toilet much and we are able to leave early. haha. Starting tomorrow, I will have to start injecting her. well wish me luck.

Shinee have arrived singapore and that means....I am in the same country with them It's amazing. It is like so near yet so far. haihx...cant wait for sunday. hehe

Ninth Chapter

Sometimes, I think that being on time is not a good thing. Really. I mean like today, I thought I was late so I feel bad( even though I told them that I will be late) so I quickly left my home and went there. So in the end, I reached at about 1. However, they actually came later. yeah, at 2. Luckily i was sms-ing with lei so i kind if killed my boredome. But during that time, the bit feeling of wanting to play www totally gone. And I need to be home by 4 coz I need to fetch my dad. So, I use that as an excuse to leave early. During the www, i dont really have much fun coz the atmosphere is kind of weird. It's like we are seperated and people are going in seperates. like they only talk among each other and not as a group and I kind of hate it.

I cant get my lollipop today!! The person did not have the stock ready and latest by friday. I hope tomorow they will have coz I cant wait. Really cant. Please let it be tomorow.... On a side note, snsd mv really came out today!! I am so happy coz the mv is nice! There is so much sica scene in there. And no matter how people criticize her, I still love her. haha. she is so pretty!! Love her! Cant wait for their comeback performance! And I got in NP tourism!! my 1st choice!! yei!! hmm...but I feel like appealing to psychology...should I?? I love both courses so I plan to take both but I think cant. what a shame:(

So today father came back and they decided to eat in the restaurant. I feel bad eating a lot. I mean I eat san lo, fish and kang kong. That is a lot. so I decided, tomorow cant eat too much and walk a lot. go!! haha

Eighth Chapter

Today is another tiring day for me. Morning I overslept but luckily I managed to meet with lei on time. haha but shiting overslept too so yeah.... so we finished the banner and the comic by today. It was so much fun. hope that our effort does not gone to waste on sunday. thanks tothis, I got late for my appointment.

Ok, the session thing was tottaly hazardous. I swear they actually make it 2 times tougher than the previous one. I almost died on the steam bath and really died on the wrapping part. I almost fainted. So, they got so worried that they brought me to the room and let me rest before continuing, so after that, I have body wrapping. Ok, it is embarrassing coz i heebd to go out with my body being wrapped and plastic can be seen from my arm and leg. Lesson to be learned: Next tune, wear long jeans and shirt. seriously....I thought everyone was looking at me.

So, for shinee thing, lei and bei now decided to stay over at my house so they can leave early and i need to book a taxi. truth to be told, I haven even tell my parents about this but I think they will allow me right??? Hope so coz I am looking forward to this. hehe.

Ok,so tomorow is decided that we are going to WWW. Actually, I dont really feel like going. Coz seriously, I think I will be the odd one out there. nic and alisha will be there talking among themselves and min and grass too. So, I will be like there alone doing nothing and I hate it. Really. and lei cant go coz she is going cycling with her friends. damn. I hope tomorow fly by very fast coz ther is 2 bad things that is going to happen. 1) My course and school results will be out!! and 2) the WWW outing.

On a side note, there is also 2 good things that will be happening. 1) SNSD MV is supposed to be released today!! O yei!! and 2) I got to have my lollipop today!! YES!!!

Seventh Chapter

I am so sleepy today that during mass, I cant help it but to doze off for a while. Okay, I know this is bad but hey, I really cant help it. I am just too tired from all the activities I did in the morning. And during the homily, I totally dont understand s single thing wat the priest was saying so yeah... Anyway, flashback to during the morning time!!

So basically, I had to wake up at 8.50, get ready and went to TPY to meet lei,char and shiting and brought them to my house to do the shinee thingy. So we basically finish doing the fish, the front cover of the card and the outline and pictures of the comic strips. So we plan to meet again on tuesday. haihx tiring but seriously, it is fun. haha we went quite high while searching for pictures. And Lei brought her lollipop with her! I played with it and it was cool!! cant wait to get it. haha. I felt bad telling then to go home coz I need to go to mass but no choice. Well, basically today nothing much so this post will be short coz today is a normal day. haha.

Sixth Chapter

I can believe that I actually succeeded in the diet programme today. I practically followed the guideline of the book(well except eating a few piece of mango with yogurt). Then, I went far east with my mum to go shopping and I managed to but 3 clothes!! well plus the ones I had in indonesia, it should be around 4-5 clothes already and this means that I have enough for my cny! Yei! And tomorrow I will be buying jeans and shorts and maybe new home clothes. haha cant wait.

So basically, today nothing happens except one thing, eating lunch with my father's friend, om sing sing. Ok...last time, I do admit that I think of him as a clever and witty person who has the talent ot being a very successful businessman that everyone's afraid of. However, I guess 'what comes around goes around'. After being ruthless to people in order to succeed, He now have a so-called permanent illness which involves the nerves of the brain not working and stroke and heart problem. However, he is still stubborn and refuse to quit smoking and maybe..alcohol too. And really, today he became quite scary. I dont really care about how his saliva keeps coming out of his mouth and how his lips were crooked or he is bald or so whatever, but is his attitude that scares me. He expect us to book him a plane today for today's flight to fly to indo and only to be back again by monday??? WTH?? He keeps on asking me to go interenet and book and I just smiled at him and keep quiet. Then during the lunch, he keeps on saying some weird things that I totally dont understand. Andasking me to marry his son?!?! I was like ok...this is plain weird and I escaped to the toilet for a little while and back again so that the topic will change. Ok.... I am mad at him and feel like justs stare at him with that 'are you kiddind' look. But hey, he is quite pitiful too you know. You can see that it is as if he already given up the chances of him being well again and just want everything to end as soon as possible. He hated people or maybe stranger touching him and doing things with his body that he did not know whats the usage of it. He did not trust people easily and is always in doubt, like as if everything they do have some faults in it. And is likeas if he is trying to settle everything, from his wife to his son, before he is gone like that. Thats why I cant be mad at him for a long time coz it is quite pitiful. It is ironic,really. His business' mind that everyone admired becomes the reason why his mind is full of doubts and being pessimistic of his illness and the people who can cure him. That is what you called a double-edged sword huh...

Fifth Chapter

have you ever thought how life can be so unexpected?? Lie a twist of a plot in a story. Just in the morning, the only think I thought I am going to do is to go to MOM to settle my maid's stuff. But then, unexpectedly, I need to settle my own flight to indonesia which now has changed from lufansa to garuda, from 30 jan to 1 feb( which means I can go to shinee fansign event!! YEI!!). Then I thought thats it. But thats not all. We went to chinatown to buy soursoup then novena expecting to buy some new year clothes( which failed coz I can only find tights there and the clothes are not to my liking) and to eat hagendaz( which I regretted coz the cookie crunch is not really nice as I thought) And I really think thats is for the day. But I was wrong...really wrong. My mum and me went to london( for slimming) and ask about me losing weight, and after much persuasion and bargain( which my mum managed to reduce the price to 7500 for 35 session plus 2 free things plus 35 session of body wrapping)

So basically, for today, I went for the 1st com;imentary free session. First, they asked me to take off my clothes and took photos of my fat which is like damn embarassing. Then, begin the session. so i am supposed to go into the hot steam bath for like 10-15 minutes. I practically sing during that time coz I was too bored and I have difficulty in breathing coz is like too hot and steamy. Then, I went for those kind where they wrap you with some very thick blanket for 20 minutes. At first, I thought it was ok, like it's hot but I can take it, but then in the middle, its starting to get hotter and I need to pee, so it becomes unbearable for me but thank god i managed to survive it. then I went to bathe and pee. haha. After that is the machine thingy where it is supposed to break the big fat molecules to smaller fat molecules. It is painful, ticklish and crampy and I need to bear it for 40 minutes. so after that, I am done. I just need to see the consultant to talk about my daily intake and I am supposed to record what I eat and when everyday. and then they give me this weird drink which is supposed to make me full. But instead, it makes me feel like puking coz it taste bad. And then I am supposed to go back on tuesday for another session. o man...but never mind, perseverance. haha

But anyway, apart from all of these, my mum allow me to buy lolllipop!! YEI!! but can only buy the pink one coz there is no white:( But nevermind, I still like it. haha.

Fourth Chapter

Well, as I expected, the sleepover thing failed. I have doubted against it all the time(even though I do have my hopes up). Well first is coz of the uncertainty of chel's family and then, coz of jo and chel's lack of report of their current situation, so we decided to cancel it last minute(which was like 1hr before the official start of our sleepover...rush much??) However, we managed to go to for an outing though(^v^) hehe..to the science centre! It was like another end of the line of my house. It took me like 47 minutes to actually ride MRT from novena to jurong east. Luckily chel's dad willing to pick me up from there to the science centre, hehe coz well, I suck at directions...really. It is like a miracle that jo arrived first!! haha but she took a taxi when she was broke and that like cost her 17 bucks. haha. and she actually wore flats and 3/4 pants when she knew that we were going to the snow city. Silly girl. Me and Chel started laughing when we saw her coz is like 'thats what we predicted and omg, is so true' haha stupid.

Well science centre was fun and entertaining. I like the sound part and the optical illusion part. Is so cool and fun. haha chel cant understand the optical illusion part though coz she cant realy see the point of it. So we started saying that there is something wrong with her. haha but is sooo true that there is. Then we started playing like a child. haha tried to see who beat the hardest using the hammer and by imagining that the point is someone we hate. stupid jo imagine yoochun( I am so gonna kill her...who dares to hate yoochun huh?!?!) And I imagine yunho..and not bad..I hit quite hard. haha. Then when it is left 1 hour, we quicky go to the snow city, and haha, jo needs to rent pants and shoes while we do not need. pity her. So at first we thought that theplace will not be cold and decided not to rent the jacket. But, we are still afraid so we decided to just rent just in case. And GODDAMN HELL!! We were lucky to actually rent it coz it is EXTREMELY SUPER DUPER COLD!! I almost died and I even thought that my feel got frostbite when I went out. The snow city part was so much fun!! We rode the slides like so many times, took pictures and I got to know this one guy from SP( well, he is a worker there, but he is quite funny though) haha. Sp basically, the snow city part was fun and Jo hair was frozen in the end(thanks to me) haha. We went to Swensens to eat dinner and I felt so full! Luckily I did not order sundae, just normal scoop ice-cream. And stupid jo just suddenly scream out of nowhere making everyone there turn to look at us. so embarrassing!! I cant even lift my head up. O I managed to buy legally blonde 1 and2!! Have been wanting it for so long and I manage to buy it!! haha I am so happy right now.

Well, today is really a fun day except one part in the science centre. During the DNA part, there is one board saying about the cancer patients, mainly breast and ovaries cancer patients. There is one part that attracted my attention in a very bad way. There said that a father who got this cancer, had also all of his children to have this cancer. Is like genetic cancer which is similar to my mum's condition....and even me in the future. It got me thinking...and there it also said something of a new medicine but I dont really understand due to my knowledge and little information given.... But anyway, we promised to have another outing next wednesday to go cycling. Cant wait!! Expecting to see chel's improvement in her cycling coz I kind of too tired to teach her...haha I am not really a patient girl you know...

Third Chapter

Today was really a very very busy day for me. Well, one I need to wake up in the morning to accompany my aunt and my mum to the doctor(which I di not do since I overslept and only came later for lunch). Then, I need to meet my friend to meet another new bunch of NEW friends( I got to know them thanks to shinee and lei. haha) Well meeting new friends have always been my nervous-wrecking experience for me since I am not good in those introduction part. But, I guess we hit it off quite well?? haha coz we are able to talk and chit-chat and gossip. Is fun meeting them. And I got a chance to meep somene(char) from NP!! OMG. She is in engineering though but still...kkk

OH!! I manage to get the clothes that I wanted which cost me for about 70 bucks. And I bought another new shirt. Love it but my mum complained that it looks similar like one of my shirt. who cares as long as it is nice right?? haha thats why I am super duper happy right now.

In the car, my aunt and my mum were talking about cancer again, saying how lucky they were to have the money to be able to afford the amount for their treatment while others cant. I find this a bit ironic yet true. It is already unlucky enough that they got cancer but they are actually the lucky ones out of those cancer patients coz they are able to afford the treatment?!?! what came to my mind was that isn't it unlucky enough that you got cancer?? And from what I heard, there is like a very high chance that an ex-cancer patient will get cancer again for the 2nd time. Then I thought, will my mum be like that too?? My aunt did, so my mum too?? I don't really want that to happen. Is like going over the same cycle again. During that car ride, mum's word really left a deep impression on me---Why is it that those people who dilligently did a check-up every year that will most likely got the disease?? is not really fair. you pay for the check-up, you waste your time for it, you worry more than the others and yet, you got it. Is just like exams you know. You study more than him, you worry more than him, you spend your time more on the things you hate while he spends the time more on his games and yet, you score worse than him. People say thats coz he is smart. If thats the case, is there actually any justice for those people who actually study so hard yet cant score?? I hate those unfairness, those words that say 'Nothing is fair in the world'. If there is no fairness, then maybe the world is highly corrupted??

Second Chapter

Today, I went out out with chel, jo and nic to watch New York I love You. It's nice and not as boring as I thought it will be since there is a lot of couples and each couple only have like 5 minutes of storyline. Love Orlando Bloom and the star trek supposedly french guy story plot. Except the fact that orlando bloom looks really ugly there thanks to his tattered clothes. but is still nice though. However, thanks to my bladder, I cant really concentrate halfway through the movie. And THANK GOD. the movie is like only 1 and half hour long. I would have died if it's 2h. Then we went ION to shop or rather say window-shopping since I have no money. haha. I love one clothes there in New look shop but hell! IS like so ex. Is almost 70!! My mum will kill me if I spent that on 1 clothes. haihx I will just bring my mum there someday and shop. haha. But I bought a notebook though. For writing stories when inspiration suddenly hits me. Well, I love writing stories but nowadays, I just do not have any inspiration in writing one, so I shall just wait till I have one. So yeah....after that, we went to eat dinner at ION w/o jo since she needs to leave:(:( THe food is sooo nice but is extremely fulling. haha but I want to eat it again someday. Katsudon!! Yum!

SO, me, nic and chel was like talking about guys....yea...weird. But anyway, we were like talking how guys are emotional being. haha maybe is true though. People who always act tough are usually the weakest one. Then about sleepover, I am surprised my mom actually allow my friends to sleepover at my house. Maybe she is opening up and feel optimistic about herself now, and I feel happy for her. I know she is a strong woman. And a brave one too. Sometimes, I will think what if this happens to me (well there is a 50% chance that it will happen to me as the doctor says)? Will I be able to be optimistic as her? I guess not. I may look optimistic but I know that I am not. But, I know that one day, I will learn to be a strong woman like my mum. She will always be my role model now. Her bravery and her strong-willed is not anyone can do it one.

But now, I dont know if I should tell my friends about my mum since they are going to have sleepover at my house. I dont want my mum to feel uncomfortable around them and vice versa. But I just dont know how to bring it up. I cant just suddenly say, " Hey!! my mum got cancer and is stage 3" That is ridiculous. I mean who will bring that up to friends and is not me. I dont share troubles with friends coz is not me. I have troubles even though I loks happy, coz the happier I am, the more troubles I have in fact. People like me tend to cover up their troubles with a big fake smile coz they are a coward. Coz they are afraid people finding out about your trueself and your weaknesses. They do not trust people coz they have been betrayed once by their most- trusted person. So people, if you happen to have a friend that is like this, help them, dont think that as tine goes by they will be alright, coz experience tells me they will not. Is impossible, they will just hide away and problems will get more and more serious. I have been betrayed by someone once and I know that I wll not believe anyone anymore in my whole life.

first chapter

omg I am actually so bored that I started a blog. haha even if everyone wont know about this and I am not planning to actually tell anyone about this yet.(since this is the only place I can actually vent all my feelings in) but yeah....today was really a very tiring day. But fun. haha making a DIY calendar for Chel's late birthday present with Jo and Nic. I am so sure that she will kill us after seeing it though. we make her idol in such a bad state( yunho shitting and orlando bloom wearing an UFO hat) But hey, is the thoughts that count. We spent a freaking goddamn 6h making it.

Reading friends' blog really makes me in a foul mood. Suddenly, I realise that after 27 jan, everyone will be going in a seperate ways. God knows when will we all be able to gather together again and have fun. I hate seperation and thats why I try not to notice and keeps on smiling in front of them. However, I kind of feel like crying when I knew that one day, we might even lose contact with each other(even though there is fb) I hate it. No matter how I wish time will stop, it just keeps on going and going making me feel so suffocated.

Anyway, back to happier note, Hello baby is coming out tomorrow!! Is a damn good news for all shinee fans like me. haha I will just keeps on refreshing till youtube upload it. O please let some kind souls upload it right after hello baby came out in korea. I wanna see my taemin playing with the baby. O it will be so fun. haha.