I realized that my disorder is becoming from bad to worse instead of better. I can't stray off like that. I need to change my mindset. I want to become better. I want to and I need to. IS for myself, my friends and my family. I know that they do not know it yet, but I think they are suspecting it already though... so I know that I need to get better first. So, I decided that instead of aiming to become weighing less, I should aim of weighing more, at least until 45. I need to return to it slowly.... I know it is difficult but I know I can do it! I can't think that gaining weight is bad anymore, I need to think that it is good and is beneficial. I totally look scary now, and I am so not confident about my body and K know that I need to change it. So, starting tomorrow, I need to eat! Well, at least healthily. I need to change my mindset about food and eating.
So, this is my plan: Morning: as usual coz I think it is healthy alright: 2 piece of whole wheat bread, 2 crackers and 6 almonds. Afternoon: One dish that cam make me full and healthy (rice with lean meat or fish and vegs??) Dinner: another healthy dish like lunch.
I realize something while I was typing, I was not afraid to eat actually, but instead, I am afraid of changing. I am scared of changing my daily lifestyle, I am really scared because it has been a part of me since last time. And when I see someone eating lesser than me, I started to panic, like as if I am eating too much. Ok, I need to stop thinking like that but hey, I really can't help it you know.... that's why I need help like right now. Of course gaining weight is my most afraid thing ever but apart from that, is the reality of knowing that I need to make a change that seriously freaking me out. I really hope I can overcome this challenge and make myself healthy again. I do not want to be like this forever. I want to be healthy again.
So basically, today I skipped the first tutorial because I was too lazy and also, I knew that within me, I do not want to eat with them because they will ask me why am I not eating and I do not really know how to tell them. But, today will be my last, I hope. ITB presentation was ok except I got nervous and I started talking nonsense and I felt really sorry because I did the prime key for the database wrong. Then, I stayed back a while for FABM presentation and also for 'singing practice' with avril. scared of the audition and I regretted entering because it just gives me more trouble and stress and seriously, now is not really the right time to give me such troubles you know.... I have too much things to handle already.
Went to novena to waste time and wait till dinner time to buy my kaya toast, and this is the part where I think I am going from bad to worse. Basically I eat the same thing everyday, toast or sandwich for lunch or dinner. And it is not nutritious! it is bad for health. I need to gain myself back now man. I need to try and I need to. So what uf I gain weight again, I can lose it again when I think I gain too much. It is simple as that. Why can't I take action as simply as what I think it is.
I remembered when I was young, reading about people getting anorexia and felt how stupid can they get. I was hoping that I could get anorexia first (I was fat then) so that I will be able to control my food intake easily, and wait till I get super duper thin will then continue to eat a lot, Like that, I will be able to gain weight without becoming fat. Such an innocent thinking. but now, I realize that it is not simple for people with such disorder. They know that they need to eat and that are thin, is just that they do not feel thin themselves and they just can't afford to eat. They just can't because of the guilt, they felt such a strong guilt that it become a chore for them to eat more than what they limit themselves to. I know it because I can understand their feelings now. It is really hard.People said that these disorders will stay with you for your whole lifetime and the only way to live is to accept it and live with it, to not bother about it and just continue on. And right now, I am trying my best not to bother about it, even though I knew that this guilt will stay with me forever. The only way I can erase it....maybe through praying and it may be my call to the church right now after mom's..... Please help your child, lord jesus christ
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